Public Transit

"You haven't heard that before? What the fuck man?"
I hadn't heard it before, I didn't think it was a big deal, I wished he would lower his volume, I never liked holding conversations on public transport in the first place. The current conversation was even less public transport acceptable, I thought. I could tell that everyone was listening, not looking but listening. I caught small glances out of the corner of people's eyes, a disgusted furrowed brow from the elderly woman in the proper looking hat.
"Just keep your voice down man, maybe we should talk about this later." I pleaded for the conversation to end. They were all listening. I knew this because when you are on any form of public transportation, the only noises stemming from the whirring of the moving vessel, ones ears are automatically drawn to the voices of the other riders. I preferred to sit in silence, letting the loud person on their cell phone discuss their dealings, annponcing their troubles to the crowd, that was secretley listening.
"I just can't believe you never heard that shit, it means that you would really like to do her, like the same as, I would shove it so far in her the first person to pull me out would become the future king of England."
I snickered, invoulntarily, but I couldn't help it, i liked that one. I let him know as much. "Now that one makes more sense," I said.
"How does the other one not make sense?" He looked at me like I was speaking a different language. Like the meaning was so simple, straight forward. I still didn't get it.
"It just seems more demeaning than...I dunno loving?" I knew I hadn't phrased it right and I still didn't want to be talking about this, but everyone already thought we were crude assholes, so we might as well have carried on.
"Loving? Who the fuck said anything about loving? I'm talking about sticking it in her, there is no love neccessary for that my friend."
"Don't say my friend, it sounds weird, and do you have to be so crude? I lowered my voice on the crude part, highlighting how I thought we should be a little more respecrful of our fellow riders.
"Fuck the other riders this is like their goddamn dinner theatre, we should be charging them for this entertainment." It always amazed me how he acted the same in every situation, there were no different volume settings or knobs that he adjusted to different social settings. He was who he was and he didn't care what anyone else thought. It was kind of admirable, but really embarrassing.
"Shhh don't say fuck them, they are not entertained by us they just think we are assholes." His brashness made me feel meek. My awareness of social taboos and the observance of how to behave in cultural and social settings stood in direct contrast to his balls to the wind, don't give a fuck attitude. He made me feel regulated, chained to the fears of looking out of place. Like I should be stepping out of my social chains, breaking the rules of normality, not caring what a bunch of strangers thought about me.
"No for real fuck them, this is a private conversation, if they are listening that's their bad, I wouldn't stick it in any of these broads anyways, so fuck em."
"Jesus man just tone it down." I hurriedly whispered.
"I'm just saying i would not use the comment on them." He said steadfastly as he crossed his arms.
"Ok fine, but it seems to me if you didn't find them attractive then that's when you would do it. I don't know I still don't see why you would do that to someone who you think is attractive." It just didn't make sense, defiling someone in such a way. It seemed to be the opposite of showing someone that you found them visually appealing. It was like shoving someone's face in a pile of shit instead of giving them flowers. I couldn't grasp the concept.
"It just means that she is sooo hot that you would do anything to her...anything." He said as he nodded to himself, "Anything," he reiterated.
"It seems like it should be a negative and you would say she is so gross I would not even pee in her butt." I sunk down in my chair as soon as the words left my mouth. The elderly lady blatantly shook her head and shot me the evil eye. My cheeks flushed and I wished that I could tell her to go fuck herself like I'm sure he would have. Instead I lowered my eyes and studied my shoes, while she bore holes in me with her dissapproving lasers.
"No dude that's not how it works, it's she is so fucking hot I would pee in her butt, nothing negative about that."
"Ok so is it like she asks you to do it, and you normally wouldn't so you're like damn she is so hot that I will fullfill her request?" I asked in all seriousness.
"No it's just she is so hot I would pee in her butt." He said it so matter of factly, like this was a common thing to do to attractive girls.
"But I mean is it like she is so hot that she causes you to have a urination problem and you get so excited you can't hold it in? Like man she makes me lose control of my bodily functions type of thing?"
"No, there is no loss of bodily function, it is not per her request, it is just that she is so hot that you want to do that."
"I don't see how that would be, maybe it's because her butt is so hot that you want to urinate it to cool it off? Like damn somebody call the firetruck that ass is on fire." My face might was well have remained flushed the whole ride. i wished our stop would come. yet i persisted and he participated. We were both to blame, but i was just so confused by the saying.
"No dude just stop, with your theories, it is just that she is hot and you want to do it."
"But I would never want to do that to someone no matter how hot they were, and I don't think anyone wants that done to them, whoever first said that is just dumb." I sat back and looked out the window, the city whizzed by and my confusion still lingered. I don't know why I even cared, it was just a dumb saying, it just struck as being so illogical that I thought maybe it had some roots in logic, but I guess not.
"Just wait one day you'll find that special one, and then you can pee in her butt." He said smiling widely, like that was straight from a hallmark card.
"But..I would....nevermind I guess I just haven't found the right one." He wasn't right but I agreed, I looked at the elderly lady and she avoided my eyecontact, we rolled along, the bumps jolting us up and down. Newspapers rustled and we continued on in silence.