Writing from Freshman Year

ME A child of MTV, sesame street blessings of no attention span, a pop culture fanatic, mounds of useless trivia overflowing from a promising mind, politics take the background to the latest friends episode, a mindless minion of corporate America, heteronormativity and cultural propaganda shape my person, masculinity a mask to hide real emotions, the marlboro man rugged and independent, anit-religon, a crutch for the weak, explanations of the unexplainable, sinning mortally every waking hour, blasphemy and rebellion, projecting an image to separate myself from the masses of a.d.d. flunkies, well read intelligence with a hint of sarcastic humor, balanced and likeable, dressed up, clean and presentable, clueless and afraid of the future, affection starved, committing amoral actions, an atom bomb of youth, desensitized yet appreciative. ME No one The one, enflamed visions of perfection, will I recognize her, supposedly I will know her presence, unexplainably attracting, yet I'm doubtful, has my vision of her been jaded? Am I able to let her into my life or will I find fault in her, should I be able to find fault in her? She cant be perfect, I have shattered my feelings and reconstructed my emotions too many times, I cant even tell which emotions are real, do I like her because of the chase or do I really care for her, my emotions seem forced, I force myself to care for someone, should it come naturally? Why do I have such issues recognizing what I really feel? Because of years of disappointment and hurt I have constructed myself to not give emotions to girls, she will only hurt you don’t invest your feelings in her, yet I try but I am in conflict I don’t know if I really care for a girl maybe its better to not care at all no pain right? But no love either, but shouldn’t love come naturally? Conflicting minds and confusing emotions I can only hope Love comes naturally like an unexpected gust of wind to knock me off my feet and turn my world upside down, is that how it happens? In the heat of passion, high risk situations, running, not walking to a shorter life Everyday I sit and wonder why I kill myself slowly The smoke swirling in a black cloud of ignorance and invincibility Life expectancy of 30 I run headlong towards a gorge filled with shattered glass of destiny and expectations Falling and Falling towards confusion and hysteria Living in the moment, the future too far away to have any effect on my present Yet I see farther, family and wife, happy and content Glimmers of hope and change, excitement for the future Fast food, no exercise, drugs, and cigarettes, muddy the pristine waters of tomorrow Death is not uncontrollable, as I guide him toward me through reckless behavior and lifestyle I fear you, while I beckon you forth I fear you because you steal my future, you end all that I am and will ever hope to be My actions will not cease as death creeps closer His long shadow eclipses the sun in my mind, still I do not change He raps on the door thud thud thud, tauntingly I continue on the same path In the end I choose to exist in the present, hope for the future, and in time CHANGE for the better Wake Up A crumbling foundation of future and talent, as the dust settles in the mist saturated morning fog, from beneath the rubble and rotting shambles, the stirrings of rebirth and redemption, dark colored eyes of deep enchanting blacks and greys swirl in the luminous rays of sunlight, open wounds of acceptance and vulnerability are healed by the touch of her violently red lips, sins welded to melting flesh in the eery twilight of her arrival, striking out like a coiled snake, broken skin and punctured heart, warmth surrounds and encases, poisons rush through veins swift, rushing like rapids, the white crests of the waves cleansing and purifying, rolling and crashing, broken glass falls from the sky, the ceiling of reality pierced by the shrieks of the apocalypse, shredding the fusia colored fabric of an unconscious nation......Wake Up Pop Culture Long Duck Dong, Code Red, zebra stripes, confederate flags, garbage disposals, Kid Rock, public access, Team Time Warp, Conan The Barbarian, Red Vines, unagi rolls, sushi baby, Dreamcast, Saving Private Ryan, Kevin Bacon, Express for men, naked time, fatality, tadpole, menopause, three horns don't play with long necks, race relations, Batman, Mariah Carey, Charlie and The Chocolate Factory, C&c Music factory, Harlem world, Kendo sticks, Jumanji, Fertilizer, red maples, sausages, termites, blockbuster, Yanni, Buster Keaton, John Tesh live from Red Rock, Pepsi One, Big Macs, Monopoly, Pokemon, vinyl, duct tape, cigarillos, pace picante, q-tips, tanning oil, roast pig, guano, cherry flavored tums, veruca salt, republica, mullets, nascar, Jimmy's Chicken Shack, Rolaids, Tape worms, cinnabons, The other white meat, gingivitis, Yogi Bear