Leaving on a Jet Plane

Norah Jones was playing in the car as I sped down the street to the site of my interview. I didn't care what the lyrics said or about those people staring at me, while they turned up their Lil Jon. I needed to relax, it was bubblegut, shaky hands and nerves. I didn't normally have problems interacting with people, but interviews were different. The spotlight sat squarely on me, pens poised over checklists and eyes tearing into every word that dribbled out of my mouth. I knew I didn't present myself well, I wasn't a self promoter, I wasn't the type to wear extra flare and I didn't think that my work ethic was especially strong. I turned off my car and slowly opened the door, breathing in deeply and sighing to try and relax mymself. As I walked towards the doors of the office I pulled my hands out of my pockets so they wouldn't be sweaty when I shook the interviewer's hands.
The office loomed high above, I couldn't tell how many floors but it was one of those buildings I had never wanted to end up in as a kid. Of course no kid wanted to end up in the office, I wanted to photograph elephants, hit home runs, or swim with sea turtles. Something brighter, less confined, but as I started getting older those dreams had faded just like everyone else's. So here I was applying to a job that I didn't really want, to start a career I didn't really want. But that's how it went and I accepted the escalator my life had somehow stumbled upon. It was more like a landing strip, the lights of mediocraity waving me in, what was I supposed to do, fly straight, the dim lights drawing me in, should I choose those dim lights, the only forseeable path, or just say fuck it, and steer out into the darkness searching for brighter lights. Fear kept me on that same flight plan. Lack of gas, no known destination, who knows where I would land?
I sat down in the lobby, the secretary informing me that I would be seen in a couple minutes. I fumbled with my tie, it seemed a little too tight, I liked wearing it, but I knew it wasn't me, tucked in shirts?, nah not this guy. Italian leather shoes? Nope not in this lifetime, I wanted sandals and sand, I wanted to vacation from my nothingness, from this life. I went over the questions that interviewers ask but still couldn't think about how to properly answer them. I could say that fake shit that everyone else said but it just wasn't true, do they care if you just sit there and lie to them? is that what they want? I could do that I supposed but it almost hurt to be such a cheerleader for such an unimpressive person. I pictured what my cheerleaders would look like if I actually had some. I saw a drunk overweight woman sitting on a couch muttering go team, while shaking one pom pom, not even shaking it but more of a lazy twitch. The pom pom barely even raised, the weight of her arm too much to lift, especially in celebration of me, rah rah blehhhhh her cheer fading out as her head falls back and she nods off, the drool begining to pool and drip down onto her arm rolls and moo moo.
"Ok they are ready for you," the secretary said, her smile so wide, I liked her, she seemed to like her job, maybe I could fit in here. She walked me down a long sparsley carpeted hall, the glass doors to the offices like fish tanks, filled with scuba divers and bubbling castles, family pictures and local sports memrobillia. I had never put much in my other offices, I never wanted to make a home there, they were just short stops on the way to something better or at least thats what I told myself. The secretary opened the door into the conference room where a panel of three interviewers were waiting. Their talons ready to attack, me being the fresh meat thrown to the carnivores. Introductions and handshakes all round, not too hard not too soft, will this handshake factor into their impressions of me? It was supposed to, I wondered if I held that last guy's hand too long, was I supposed to have looked into his eyes so deeply and mouthed the words "LET'S FUUCK." I hadn't done this but I thought it would have been funny, maybe it would have helped. I had already forgotten their names, who cared.
"Sooo Mark let's get this thing going huh, how are you feeling? just realax and you'll do fine."
Let's hope so you fucking schmuck, I stared back at them, flames of rebellion licking my cornias, "Well I sure hope I do well, I would really like an oppurtunity to work for your company." Ass kissing, moral killing schmoozing, I wanted to use the black comic white man voice to talk to these people, how's the wife doing bill? Yeah well we missed you thursday Will over here had quite a shot on 12, eh didn't ya Will, should have brought the camcorder, hey speaking of camcorders i just got a new one, have you seen the sony, look at em he luuuvs it..
"Well we'll see how things go, so why would you like to work for our company?"
I actually would detest working for your company but I need some money buddy, if you could just give me a paycheck and I didn't have to work for you then I think we would both be better off. By the way do you think that toupee is fooling anybody, you guys smell that?, it kinda, no it definetly smells like denial in here. Take that raccoon ofF your head and accept your baldness, just shave it man. "Uhhhh I think that I would uh be an excellent fit to your company because of the skill sets that I have aquired at my previous employers, uh umm when I was looking at your company profile i noticed that you do many of the same things that I am familiar with so uhh I would be a good fit." Fucking-a such a mumbling jackass did that even make sense, jesus I hate this place already, the smells, the lights, why is your carpet so sparse, my feet hurt, do you guys give out company cars?
"Okay what is your greatest weakness?"
Every fucking time you bastards why must you ask this question, my greatest weakness is answering this god damn question, do you really expect people to choose something bad about themselves and to share that with a perspective employer or do you want me to run off some bullshit like, oh my greatest weakness is that I work too hard and I lose track of the time, I just get so focused taht I work past my shift haha crazy huh? It's either that or I am too nice and accomadating I mean i just can;t say no to a project, if somebody needs my help I am too weak to not lend them a hand in the spirit of teamwork and furthuring the success of our company. My real answer would be I don't like working I don't like your kind of job and i don't like you, my weakness is finding the motivation to get through my days confined in a hell hole of an office. My weakness is my fondness for chocolate haha right ladies wink wink, little elbow nudge and another piece of my soul starting to turn black, decaying from these sugary chunks they expect me to spew onto their table.
"I would say my greatest weakness is my need to know exactly what I am doing and how things work, I just hate that feeling of not knowing something, I know it's a process of settling in but i just hate having to ask people everything, I like to be self sufficient." hmm they might buy that one
"Alright excellent, so then what would you say is your greatest strength?"
I just wanted to make it short and sweet, just say strong like bull and grunt while flexing, look at these pythons ladies, even though the room was full of guys. Hey did you guys get your tickets? tickets they would say, what tickets? the tickets to the gun show ohh!!! check em out no really touch it, I SAID TOUCH IT!! you wanna arm wrestle you little craker ass cracker, just bring it!! I didn't think this would have been the best approach though, especially since my guns were not especially large. Maybe I could tell them that I could play videogames for hours on end without bathroom breaks, no breaks right? shows production and dedication. "I would have to say that my greatest strength is my ability to multitask (light a bong and talk on the phone) either that or my strong wrok ethic (arrive late and leave early).
"Sounds good, do you have any experiences with customer service that might relate to the position you are interviewing for?"
Well this one time this lady came up to me and asked where the large shirts were and I informed her that our clothes were not made for trolls and that she must be looking for troll clothes r us, then I cursed her and her whole damn troll clan, dirty thieveing sewer dwellers, you're kind is not welcome in huuur, your stench fills my nose with horror and my heart with the fear of what i want to do to you and your kind. I pictured myself crawling onto the table and curling up in fetal position while muttering I hate trolls over and over. instead I said something like, "Well in most of my previous jobs i have dealt with customer service, the most important thing taht i have learned from these jobs, and this carries across all of them, is that you have to be very calm and patient." "When there is a really upset customer you just have to not allow yourself to get to their level of anger, if you continue to talk to them calmy then their yelling seems out of place and they will eventually calm down to the point where you can have an actual conversation with them."
"Very good, yes we find that patience is a virtue haha you have heard that one I am sure, ok so now we are going to run through some scenarios; say that your supervisor gives you a project that is due by the end of the day but you already have a project that is due that day, what would you do?"
I would take that project, grab him by his tie, look straight into his eyes and say, who the fuck do you think I am? Like I don't have other shit to do? What exactly do you do all day, I mean besides pass off the projects that you should be doing to your overworked, underpaid staff, do you not realize we all hate you, when i see you walking down the stairs evrytime I make a wish that you lose your grip on the handrail and tumble to the bottom , a tangled mass of bureacracy and micro-managing. Either that response or I would snatch that shit out of his hand and put a lighter to it, while chanting we don't need no water let the muthafucker burn, burn muthafucker buuuurrrnnn blaahhhhhaeeh, maybe a little dance on a desk, kick over the water cooler, drag my arms across your shelves spraying debris in large swoops and swipes of anger. "Well since one of my strengths is multitasking I would hope that I would be able to get both projects done, I would inform my supervisor that I have another project due and ask him which one had priority, once that was figured out I would get to work and try and get bothe of them out." Insert false smile here
"Alright, now let's get back to angry customers a favorite subject of ours hahahaa, so if you had an angry customer on your phone line what would you do?"
Didn't I just answer thsi shit before by saying that i would remain calm and all that bullshit, are you bastards even listening to me? I would just say calm down monkey, what's that smell? nah I would grab her by her arms and just start shaking, that's how i get my kids to shut up, just shake the shit out of them, they will eventually see the light, next time they won't be so quick to open their mouths. "I would just remain calm and let them run out of anger before continuing my conversation with them."
"I see, so if you could describe yourself in three words what would they be?"
My three words would be hate, anger, and fudgesicle. Hate because well I hate you, anger because thats what this place makes me feel, and fudgesicle because well I am cold, chocolate, and bitches love to put me in their mouth and suck. "Hmm three words that's a hard one...ok I would have to say that the first word would be deicated, I am dedicated to my family (dedicated to avoiding them), I am dedicated to my work (If you hire me I will never stay late working on a project or volunteer for anything extra) and I am dedicated to constantly improving myself, (if you call improvment marinating in alcohol and watching sportscenter). The second word would be dilligent, because I work hard and focus on the projects and assignments that I am given. The third word would be fudg...flexible, I am willing to bend over backwards to make sure this company and myself perform at the highest level possible." As I said this last one it felt like I was not bending over backwards but just bending over, taking a corporate shaft, no vaseline. But I still flashed them a smile, grinning through the pain. I hoped they were enjoying themselves, like kids pulling the legs off a spider. I wondered if they could feel my contempt, or if i had a shot at getting the position. I wondered if I would take the position if offered.
"Cool, those are all great choices to describe yourself." How many other people chose those same words, it was like reaching into the vocabulary grab bag for complimentary adjectives, what did you get? Oh I got gracious, competent, and hungry? No I think I said the last word that described me was, saucy and then I started playing with my nipples while whispering in a breathy voice...hire me. I guess if your vocab grab bag is smaller it could have gone worse. Uhhh good because i am good, and smart, and hard worker, shit that's two words, uhhh hard, no wait....good cuz im good, yeah.....gooood.
"So how do you go about achieveing your goals?"
Goals? what goals, if I had ever thought of my goals I would not be here being grilled by a bunch of jackasses like you. "Well I would say the first step is to clearly define your goals, get them in writing so that you can clearly see what you are aiming for, you can't just march out there with no direction." I had been marching out there with no direction for a couple of years at least, bouncing from job to job, career to career, lover to lover. Bouncy bouncy, where will the ball stop, will it stop because it is deflated or because it has become content with it's lack of inertia. Happy bounce or bouncing because it doesn't know what else to do. Even tumbleweeds settle down somewhere. "The second thing to do is to really focus on moving forward on the goals you have outlined, even if it is just a small amount everyday, any type of progress is better than nothing." I should really listen to myself I thought, if only the person that was speaking was really me and not some hand puppet with a corporate hand shoved up its ass, a yes man controlling my nods and evoking fake smiles and schmmozy glances. "Once you start those first two things it is just a matter of progression and time."
"Very good, have you been reading our memos already? haha did you put him on the mailing list Dan?, Fess up, we have a leak haha who did it? No but seriously those are some of our core beliefs, progression and growth and attaining goals."
I was afraid my face showed my disgust for their humor, they seemed so fake, business robots, programmed to please and hob knob, I hated everything about them. Their tortoise shell glasses, tie clips and suspenders. Swarmy grease balls that had clawed their way to the top by rubbing elbows and networking. I couldn't even remember their names but i could guarantee they were the type of people that remembered wive's and kids names because they thought it helped in their business transactions. And it probably did, they were just different animals. I would never understand their species or the enviornments that they thrived in.
"Would you describe yourself as more of a team player or an individual?" Hmmm intersting question, if I say I am a team worker they will think I have no free will or idependant thoughts, but maybe thats what they want. If I say I am independant they will think i am a maverick who will blaze his own trail and not think about the welfare of the company. The truth is I am independant, I don't like other people, especially the people that would be in this office, just leave me alone and let me get my work done. Or leave me alone so I can surf the internet and email my friends. No I don't want to buy your fucking dausghter's wrapping paper, don't sign me up for your stupid ass potlucks, I refuse to join your birthday club or ride to work in your vanpool. "I would say that I am a team worker with the ability to work independantly." Now if that isn't corporate manueveering then I don't know what is. Rephrase the question so it sounds like an answer, address both answers to a question and make it seem like one, more multitasking bitches!!
"Alright I think we are about through with our questions, do you have any for us?"
Oh I have some questions for you. But I didn't really, they say you should ask at least one question, but I always just wanted to make a quick exit after interviews, free me, let me out from this horrid prison of fakeness, let me peel this plastic mask off of my face so you can see my true disdain for all you are, all of you. What should I ask them, something serious, are you happy? Is this what you thought you would be? How do you feel when that alarm goes off and you head out that door for this fortitude of blah. "There will be a health package, and a 401k correct?" I liked how I said correct instead of right, I can play your games too, well kinda.
"Yes everything like that will be covered in orientation."
Ahhh so you can't go over it with me because I might not make it to orientation, or they won't because they would be telling me the same things I will be learning in orientation. Whatever, I have left enough of myself on this battlefield, the vultures have bled me dry, decrepid cubicle warrior, the fire of rebellion extinguished by the excruciating tenure within this room. "Ok sounds good, thank you, it was very nice to meet all of you, and I hope to be working with you soon." Pathetic...hands out begging for acceptance into this enclave of Armani and paper weights.
"No thank you, we should be giving you a call within the next couple of weeks, it was nice to meet you, have safe trip home." I shook all of their hands and made my way back out the building, it seemed like a new day outside, the colors had changed while I was in there. I wondered what they were saying about me, but not for more than a second. What's done is done, who knows where this plane will land.










can't finish gotta go home Blah Blah Blah
A little rambly piece, angry office worker rantings, I don't know if i like it.