I Have a Problem

It's not like a problem that only I have. It seems to be a pretty prominent issue in almost everyone's life. It's just that when I talk to people they all seem to be headed to better places than me. Promising careers, promising futures, that sort of thing. I say, "So how are things going with you?"

"Oh everything is great, I just got a new job and I am going to move to D.C. I am really excited." Or, "Not bad just trying to finish up this law school thing." It's just stuff like that, I'm going back for my masters, I just got promoted, I'm really excited. I know other people feel like me but it just seems like I am a sad story. A could have should have parable. The epitomy of a wasted life. Maybe that's a little overdramatic, a little untrue but I definitley don't say I have anything I am excited about in regard of a career. I envy the fact that people have paths that they are glad to be on. When they tell me what they are doing I think wow that sounds cool, I am really happy for you. It's the truth, I am happy for them but I feel bad for myself. I wear self pity well, it's like my favorite shirt.

Now you might be saying well you can do all of these things too. This is true as well, I could do all of these things, but why don't I? Is it laziness? Is it complacency? Is it just apathy? The answer is yes. But it could also be because I don't know what path I should even be going down. These people are into their careers, they have a destination and they are in the process of moving towards this destination. I on the other hand am completly clueless. I have no destination, i have no map, I don't even know if I am in the right country. This is why I envy these people. They make lots of money, they like what they are doing, and they are happy that this will be their future. I make no money, I don't like what I am doing, and I am just unsure if I can continue on my current trajectory. They say "So what's new with you?"

I think for a second and I don't want to tell them how I really feel so I just make up stories to distract from the real conversation. "Oh you know same ol same ol, I am going to have to get another van though, I never knew that kidnapping kids required so much time on the road, and boy when they start kicking, they are like mules, this one kid busted out a window, yeah so I figured instead of just fixing the window I would just get another van, I think the parents were onto the old van anyways, it did have too strong of a kidnapper vibe." They respond by laughing and then I turn the conversation back to them. Evading the question, not wanting to admit to the reality of my life. The blandness that is regurgitated daily. The cycle that I sit in, the merry go round of complacency.

Just today I was stacking boxes in the store room and one of the older employees started talking to me, you know the usual stuff, something about how he thought I was a student and then where did i go to school, that kind of crap. But as I answered him I just realized that I am better than this place. I said to him I have two degrees and at that moment it just hit me, a person with two degrees should not be in a store room stacking boxes. Did I really have to go to school for this, shouldn't I be doing more? I know the answer I just don't know what to do about it. People always tell you find something you love and just do that. Okay that sounds simple enough, why doesn't everyone just do this? Maybe because it's pretty hard to find something you love to do and get paid for it. Sure I have interests, not one of them would provide the basis for full time employment.

This always leads me back to debating whether one should enjoy their work, or use work as a way to enjoy their life. I know lots of people that hate their jobs, but hey they do it, they do it so they can go home and enjoy themselves, it's work for christ's sake, it is just so that you can earn money. But I also realize life would be a lot more enjoyable if you liked your work and wanted to be there. Of course it would that just makes sense, but seriously how many people are lucky enough to have this happen. In my head I can hear a voice say as many people that are willing to work for it. I agree with this voice but I pose this question to you voice in my head, what is my dream job? This is where the problem is, I have no direction, no path that is calling me, and then the voice says well you have to find the path, and I say to the voice my aren't we snippy today, exactly how do i find this path? And the voice is like research, internships, getting off your ass and finding something you like doing. At this point I admit defeat and say you win, I should be out there looking for something, and I really emphasize something, because seriously how do you find this something, like I emphasize it like yeah that something will sure be easy to find, and I would insert a "not" in there but voice can already tell I am being sarcastic so I just end it with you so crazy voice in my head. Which causes voice to giggle because he always giggles when I talk like that and he says yeah crazy, crazy like a fox. Which makes me agree, not because he is crazy like a fox but more so because that's the correct response whenever someone uses the word crazy. So then I ask voice, I say so what do I do just quit my cushy job and just randomly start applying to stuff? I have benefits my friend, I have a retirement plan, I have upward mobility, I have a paycheck. Voice scoffs and he says, you don't make shit, do you really want to move up in this organization? You do have good benefits though. Yeah good benefits I tell him, like the ability to come in late and leave early, hoo-ha I yell and High five voice. He accepts the high five but I can tell it was just because he didn't want to leave me hanging, not because he agreed with me. After the high five we kinda just stare at each other, it's actually pretty sad. That gaze of dissapointment, I turn away as he says, look I'm just rying to look out for you, you could be better than this. Which you know, kind of makes me angry but I know what he is saying, so I tell him, you're right, and he is, it's just come on somebody make me a map. Push me in the right direction, I am pleading for a nudge. Voice just looks at me, telling me it's all on me, he actually says that's all you playa, but it was kind of embarrassing so I wasn't sure if I should have repeated it. Oh well sorry voice, it's out in the open now.

Anyways, I still don't know what I should be doing, where I should be going, I just know that I don't want to be a sad story. I don't want to be that guy that everyone says, man I thought he would have been more. I want to tell people what I am doing and have people say wow that sounds cool, or that is exciting good for you. I want to say good for me to myself, to get up and say I am excited about this day, this day of work in this job that i like, in this industry that is the industry of my dream job. I will try and work on it, I just feel like I should already have this all figured out, and I know that a lot of people are in the same boat and that I am not the only one like this. Which isn't really a comfort but it's something, I guess, ok so I am willing to try. You hear that voice, I said I am willing to try. I am not going to walk out of work right away and tell them I am better than them but I might start doing some research, I said might voice so don't start nagging me in a week. It's hard to find the correct path in the dark, it's rough stepping out there clueless and blind. I am just so lost right now, so directionless, my compass is spinning in circles, which will only be a problem when i choose a direction. Hopefully by then things will have worked themselves out, I guess we'll just have to wait and see.