Honkers and Front Butts

Her nose honked like a muppet, the sound resonated through the quiet office. I could picture her over the wall, the tissue fluttering in the wind that was rushing out of her nose in quick spurts of horn like noise. The light trouncing of keyboard keys halted by its sonic force. She's going to blow her brains out I thought, usually women were more discreet with their nose blowing and bodily type things. You know those girls with the baby sneezes more of a cute and quaint a-chew than an AHH-AHHH-AHH-CHEWW!!! I mean everybody has their own style of sneeze but there were the ones who almost held it in until the resulting sneeze was a a small sputter after the major backcharge was released somwhere in the nasal cavity. I never understood how one could adopt such a style, it seemed harmful, unatural, the force should be let out the front, not shot backwards and then sent out again diminished of power. It seemed unsound in everyway you looked at it, engineering wise you would not plug up the pressure to force it somewhere else, scientifically, you were obstructing the intended path of a sneeze, and this meant that logically one should not try and hold in their sneezes. I was guessing that she adhered to my school of thought because she just let it flow. There was no hint of modesty or an inkling of restraint for the noise she was causing. There is a middle of the path I said, you don't have to reject the sneeze completley but you don't have to let it out with the force of a bullet train. I could see her nostrils flaring, opening wide as the gale force winds gathereed their strength before shooting out in furious swirls of snot and destruction. My pondering over her sneezes naturally led to the rest of her bodily functions. If such power was present in just her nose imagine the havok she could wreak with a gaseous release. I wasn't thinking about a specific way of delivery but her gas as a whole. Her bodily functions coming from anywhere must raise the level on the terror alert. Such a booming beast, a mythic monster shooting hurricanes from her nostrils and toxic storm clouds killing the landscape. She would stomp the ground furiously while the townspeople flee, ARRRggh AHHH-AHHH-AHHH-CHEWWWW, the resulting wind flinging helpless children against walls their small heads crushing on impact, the bodies sliding down the wall leaving red streak marks of pain. Senior citizens blown helplessly into the atmosphere. Maybe it was just confidence, maybe everyone wanted to just let their sneezes rip, just let the snot fly free. Honk their noses like glorious trumpets. Parade lines of people just letting it blow. But there was no way I was jealous of her ability to let her goose call echo through the office. It was not a matter of confidence, it was a matter of being polite and subtle. This is a work enviornment this is not a wildlife conservation, your honker species is not protected here, your mating calls should be kept within your own walls. It was possible to blow slightly lighter therefore diminishing the foghorn acoustics, but she didn't seem to realize that she was conducting her own nasal orchestra. I wondered if I was being overcritical. Sometimes when you spend too much time with someone, you get mad at them for the way they breathe, "Dude just shut the fuck up I can not stand the way you tie your shoes, and if you keep on breathing like that I will snap your neck." But that couldn't be it either, because I barely even knew her. She was over the wall out of my vicinity, the only representation that persistently confronted me was that honk. On my way to my second break I walked down her aisle just to see if she conformed to my image of her. She was slightly hunched over her desk, I had seen her around but I had never taken her completley in. I made a conscious effort to survey her like an anthropologist. I noticed several physical characteristics that needed more examination and study. She wore a red shirt, since it was near the holidays elves and santa danced around her body. The shirt was too taut though so the elves looked too tall, like they had been placed on a torture rack and stretched across her enourmous body. She had the two most common and disgusting physical attributes of an office worker; the front butt and the mesa ass. The front butt is a common phenomenom mostly seen on Jerry Springer, offices and in low rent malls. Though I have never been close enough to truly study a front butt I have hypothesized about it's structure. Apparently the first step to having a front butt is to have a gigantic belly that over laps your pants line. The next step as far as I can tell is to then force said belly into a pair of pants, sometimes I think that it can be half the belly but I am not really sure on the true details. As far as I can tell once the fat from the stomach is placed within the tight confines of these pants the stomach will sort of collapse within itself. So the two sides converge into each other at an apex and form a vertical line that bisects the stomach creating the appearance of an asscrack in your stomach. It's like a hot dog bun made from stomach fat. It's something like that I think, I am not positive on any of this, I would actually have to closely inspect a front butt to find out it's true origin and dynamics.The mesa ass, is simple it is just an ass that could be used as a table. The kind of ass that can have the same height as someone's shoulders. The table rising high and stretching wide, seating for four. It looks like the person is dragging a picninc table behind them, if you can put a tablecloth on your ass congratualtions you are the proud owner of a mesa ass, now gather the kids and crack open the pork and beans. So this woman had both of these attributes which must be a wonder of modern science, the rarity of such a species, and here she was hunched over desk just over the wall from me. Her hair was short in the style of a middle aged women, low maintenance not trying to impress anyone.....