Differences

It wasn't supposed to be like this for several reasons. There were too many to name, but I could definitley do it if you wanted, but i don't want to so I won't. Ok one of those reasons was my baseball scholarship. They offered me a partial scholarship to go play in Dallas but mom got sick so i couldn't go and well you know after that my arm speed failed and the scouts forgot all about me. I'm not blaming mom, god rest her soul, I am just saying that, that is one reason right there. That isn't a small reason, that is one of the big ones, but i don't hold it against her, I mean she wanted me to go but what kind of son would I be. Ok mom you stay here, slowly die, coughing up your lungs and spitting blood into this pan, I will go out and play baseball. Come on who could do that? Not me that's for sure. Not to say things are bad, I get to spend my days with a great group of guys. Murphy is hillarious, when he does that trick where he balances the wrench on his finger and slowly walks around, man I just can't help but smile. Since Debbie passed I pack my own lunch, I eat it with the guys in the breakroom and we talk sports and guys stuff. Really it's not that bad, I don't even mean to be complaining, there are people that have it much worse than me. Maybe it's just since Deb is gone, the house is colder. It's not a heating problem, and it can't be fixed with insulation, it's more of a I dunno a feeling coldness. Does that make sense? Forgive me for not being able to express myself very good. But you might get the gist. I guess I just feel less alive these days. Kinda like a shell, like you know a truck frame. Up on the blocks, the engine gone, the windshield cracked. Like someone has slowly been stealing my parts. I mean I still have some parts, it's not like I am completeley broken, just maybe limping, due for a checkup. Need my tires rotated or something, a new starter, a new alternator, who knows. Maybe I just need a trade in. Anyways like I was saying this wasn't how it was supposed to be. I mean me not being a baseball player, I can deal with that. But I think i should have been more than what i am. I'm sure everyone feels this way from time to time, maybe even the king of switzerland or something but lately I have been feeling a lot more less satisfied with my place, my place in life. Deb would always say that, she would tell me that i could do anything, and i would smile at her and I would say all I want to do is come home to you. That would always get her and then i would hug her and lift her off her feet. I miss her, but there aint nothing one can do about that. The beat goes on right? Yep it sure does go on, but maybe a little slower, maybe a different beat, not like those war drums that make ya march forward with gusto, but more of a pitter patter that makes you tip-toe. Maybe that's just me though, I don't listen to music much anymore anyhows. Me and Deb used to love to just lay there and listen to music, I don't like to do it anymore because the songs all remind me of her. I mean not all songs but a lot of them. I am not saying that when I hear "Brick house" I start crying, but a lot of music just brings up memories I don't know if I should be toying with. That's how you get in trouble, you start listening to music, and before you know it you're sitting in the dark, listening to Hank Williams, crying your eyes out and cradling a shotgun. That's what happened to Russ Getty after he lost his kids in that fire back in 88, but no sir not me, i won't go that route. Like that red headed orphan i think the sun will come out tomorrow. The door should be shut and you move on. Don't wallow in the past like a pig in mud, you get up, clean yourself off and keep on moving. At least that's what I tell myself. Sometimes I believe it, but other times, I just look at that empty side of the bed, and there is no sun, my head rumbles with thunderclouds. That's what my mom used to say tears were, storms behind the eyes. Thunderclouds in your head, right ma? But weather changes and the sun will come out, eventually, the clouds break and it's bright day. I dunno, I have been in a blue mood for weeks though. Probably because of the anniversary, I usually get bad around that time, but that's natural right? Of course it is, that's what Miss Tyner says, that's my neighbor, she's a kind woman, she cooked for me and helped me get back on my feet after Deb passed. Really a sweet woman, she says that it's natural to be sad like that especially during the anniversary time, she just says not to brood around so much, she thinks I should go out more and get back on the scene. She means the dating scene, and I just tell her that she is sweet to help me, but i don't think I am ready for any such thing as that. I wouldn't have anything to offer anyone I think to myself, I don't say this to her because that's just the type of thing you say to someone when you want to hear a compliment. I don't need compliments, I just know the truth. It's not a great life i live but I am still thankful, it's the small things I say, the fact that the grass is green. Sometimes that is enough to make me smile, but I have to fight back all of that other stuff, so sometimes the thoughts of green grass don't work. Sometimes I have to say the grass is green, the birds are singing and I am alive. This usually works, but then again when I really think about my life i don't know if just being alive is enough to make me happy. But those are the bad days, and I try and keep those few and far between. I really do try and appreciate things, I try and not be sad at where I am in my life. But you know how it is. It should have been different for several reasons.