Fatherhood

I would be an excellent father. I have already thought out some names and many of my friends have heard of these plans but I thought I would just write them down so I can refer back to them when the little bastards arrive. This is like a brainstorming of future parental actions. I might need a lawyer too, something about cruel and unusual punishment, child abuse, and creating one of the weirdest kids ever.

First off the names, since my last name is Mah I had always thought that it would be funny if I named my kid Graham, now put them together Graham Mah, hillarious the kids will love him. I wanted to cover him in bengay everyday or some other kind of medicinal cream just so he can have the same smell as a grandma too. People would say, "That Graham Mah smells like a grandma." That would be worth it right there, I hear you saying how cruel, how unusual, but really isn't it a parent's job to make their kid a walking joke, something for their amusement and others? My friend has a last name Meyer, my choice for his kid's name, you guessed it!!! Oscar, Oscar Meyer, maybe make him wear only Oscar Meyer product sponsered clothes, maybe leading into a contract endorsement and a corporate owned baby/money machine, perfect. Obviously some people think like me, just look at the new Oakland A's outfielder. His last name is Bradley, so what do his parents decide to name him, Milton, Milton Bradley, pure genius, good call, now whenever he plays board games he can never lose, he can just say that he automatically wins because he owns the game, his friends should be grateful he is letting them play his well made products.

When my kid is young I am going to send him to Ireland, just long enough for him to grow up with an accent. Then when he gets home I will ask him to say things and just point and laugh at him. Haha asian kid with an irish accent. Say head, say lassie and that you want to go the pub for a pint. More laughter and hilarity, like a big doll you can pull the string in it's back and have it say funny stuff. I have also considered lying to my kids about everything, completley distorting their sense of reality. I would call toast, socks, the door is a cow, open is rotate, so when the little monkey says May I rotate the cow and urinate spring flowers out of my elephant bowl, he will be saying can I open the door to go outside and play on the tire swing. Weird little kid, where does he come up with this stuff. I'm surprised more people don't do this sort of thing, kids are like fresh balls of clay ready for the molding, the shaping, the fucking up. I really think that I would lie to my kids just because it would be funny, I have a hard time answering questions truthfully now, imagine when it's a little kid that really doesn't know and thinks anything could be possible. "Master, why is the sky blue?" "Dude why are you so dumb, go look it up, google that shit you lazy bastard I'm watching the game, the internet is your babysitter go sit in front of that thing and learn or something." Maybe that's a better response than lying to him, "The sky is blue because you wet your bed and because you don't listen to your master, it is a sign that the monsters are going to get you tonight if you aren't a perfect little kid, now stop crying or the beasts will tear you apart, ripping your tendons from your bones and splattering your blood across the house, and I am not cleaning that shit up so behave."

If I was really serious then I would go the way of Tiger Wood's dad and just train the shit out of the kid until he is a cash cow that I can milk into my retirement. Something like baseball or golf just push the kid into it until that's his life and he starts winning something. Feeding you isn't free Graham you have to go and win this tournament, I know you're only 8 stop crying and go practice your putting. Champions don't cry now you better win tomorrow or we are selling you to slave traders, now would you rather stay here and play golf or be a slave for a race of aliens that makes you clean their smelly toes for eternity, you think about it, the aliens responded to our post on craig's list so you let me know your desicion.

What do you say to your kids when they ask you about sex and drugs? Yeah your dad did a little sumpin back in the day, and he had a great time, he got his degree, got a job married your mom and now that you're here he wishes he still had a hook up. Seriously I can't play your bullshit games, that's not a fort it's a stack of pillows, maybe if I was high it would be more fun to hang out with you but truthfully you are kinda boring, and you smell like a grandma. Sex?, Dad doesn't really get any of that anymore, with you're dumbass always bursting into our room, talking some bullshit about cartoons and breakfast, you're old enough to climb that ladder I put in the kitchen for you, just get the cereal and go away, so freaking helpless, I swear if we were in the wild you would be done, you gotta be a survivor, search out the food, hunt down that captain crunch and eat that motherfucker. For real though sex must get scarce when there are kids all over the house, if they hear the bed squeaking they probably think it's some sort of monster in the house, which would probably be my fault for telling them that I rented out our closet space to a team of monsters that like to devour children especially children with funny names that smell like bengay. I think I should write a parenting book, How to manage your kids with fear and intimidation." Or would that book be the bible? I guess they are kind of the same thing, be good or you will burn in fires for eternity, sin and you will perish in the flames of hell where a red man with a tail and a picthfork will be your master, sound a little crazy? A little intimidation and fear to keep your kids on the straight and narrow. It's the same thing I plan on doing, except mine will be more improvisational based on the moment and the moral of the story will always be monsters eat kids and you can't do anything about it, now go cry in your safe tent, but be careful because I saw some monsters setting up a perimeter earlier and they were asking about what time you planned on returning. They have you outnumbered so you will have to move fast and repeat these words porcupine, salmon skin, gyranium, dipthong, you got it? now run!!!! I just wanted to see him run while saying random words to ward off evil, stupid kid...