The account is overdrawn, purchases of the past and sprinklings of commercial consumerism at regular intervals. I leased a building simply to fill it with childhood memories. Ninja turtles and fraggles wrestling in sqeeze-it covered care bear covers. It broke my heart to see them skin those bears but their fur is really soft and their belly tattoos make it look like expensive needle work. Leonardo had decapitated some squeeze-its earlier because as he put it they looked at him with goofy looks on their faces. I told him that's just how they looked but he said their blood had to be spilled. I don't argue with ninjas with swords, let alone mutant turtles with swords, so I just walked away before their death match with the fraggles started.
Pee Wee's play house type breakfast machines, and secret word alarms with confetti loaded ceilings. Slip and slides that drop you into scrooge's money pit while jukeboxes play the G.I. Joe theme song and Voltron dances like only a robot can. VHS recordings of staurday morning cartoons and a power pad crowd the corner of the room. Duck hunt plays on one wall. The Rescue Rangers are waiting behind the smurfs for their chance to play. I ask Chip if he remembers in the arcade how you could shoot the dog when he laughed at you for missing a duck. He nods knowingly but I think he is really just checking out Gadget's ass. You could do better I say as I walk away. The closets are full with brands like Hobie and T&C. I find Inspector Gadget wearing my hammer pants and quickly scold him, maybe a little too harshly. Ending our confrontation with a low blow. You wouldn't be shit without Penny and Brain I say, you would not solve one case without them. A tear runs down his cheek and I immediatley regret my outburst. I offer him some Teddy Grahams and he accepts as he wipes away his tears and sniffles a little. Do you like honey or chocolate better I ask him. When he says chocolate I get a little angry but I say hey we are all entitled to our opinions, I whisper douche under my breath as I walk away.
The second wing is cluttered with garabge. I see Capatin Planet and ask him how this could happen, he blames it on the Chinese chick and I tell him it was probably that bastard with the monkey, what kind of power is heart anyways? Is heart going to clean this crap up? As I round the corner I smash head on into Balki, damn I say watch where you're going, sorry he says I was just looking for cousin Larry. You're always looking for cousin Larry, is he on your mom's side or your dad's side? Side he asks, I think he went outside. God damn it Balki you make me sick, he smiles and I just walk away. Shaggy and Scooby are raiding the fridge and as I walk by they giggle and say something about who's turn it is with Velma. What's the hot one's name I ask, Scooby's eyes are bloodshot and he takes almost a minute before he mumbles Peppermint Patty. I laugh at him and ask them what they are eating. Munchies Shaggy responds. "Daphne" Scooby half yells, you're right I said that is the hot one right? the red head? Turning back to Shaggy I continue, I figured munchies but what is it? Oh Cookie Monster made these earlier he said we could have some, I doubt this highly first off I didn't know Cookie monster made his own cookies and secondly he would never let other people eat his stash. All three of us turn to see Dagwood stuffing his face with a sandwich that has everything in the fridge on it. Did you just put a whole chicken in that thing? Did you take out the bones? His mouth is so full I can't understand him and Scooby and Shaggy are rolling on the floor laughing. I ask him where Blondie is and he mumbles something else that kind of sounds like upstairs with Belvidere. But it could of been who cares I have been hitting that for years. He should treat her better I say to myself, someone with such weird hair is lucky to have a woman like that.
I got a padded room for the gummy bears since the little bastards kept cracking the ceiling with their heads. The grandma gummy bear staggers by singing sippin on some syzurp and bouncing lightly, she is wasted. One of the snorks is holding her up, he blows some drunk bubbles out oh his tube or whatever that thing is. I give them the head nod and veer off down another hall. Sugar Bear sways down the halls and asks me if I need a girl. Who you got I say. He starts to list off names, Jessica Rabbit, Betty Rubble, Judy Jetson, Smurfette, teenage Pebbles, stephanie from full house. Hmmm Maybe Jessica Rabbit or teen Pebbles, you turned out Stephanie from full house? Hell yeah brother if she is a she I can turn her out, I'm sugar bear homie, and you know this. I do know this I say, maybe I'll hit you up later. He makes me do some elaborate handshake and continues to pimp walk down the hall yelling after Hagar to come peep the merch.
Toucan Sam flutters overhead chasing that weird monkeybird thing from Darkwaters. He-man walks by holding Bob Saget's hand. Hey you know Sugar Bear turned your daughter out I ask him. He starts to do that America's funniest home video animal voice so I just slap him and walk away after spitting on him. He-man picks him up and carrys him upstairs. Kermit and Gonzo pass them on the stairs, Gonzo calls them fags and Kermit asks Gonzo if being in love with a chicken is better than being in love with a man, at least they are the same species he says. Gonzo is totally awe struck as he says dude your porking a pig. Kermit realizes this and they both laugh heartily, chicken fucker he says to gonzo, pig fucker gonzo responds. Saget fucker He-man says pointing to himself and trying to get in on the fun, shut the fuck up kermit says as they continue on their way.
I say hi to Calvin and Hobbes who are on their way outside to play some calvinball. They wave and smile happily as they open the door and head outside. I can hear Ren and Stimpy comparing boogers and I remind myself to prepare their eviction notices, dirty little weirdos. Huey Dewey and Louey look like they are going to join Calvin and Hobbes, they brush past me and I don't say their names because I always forget which one is which. Hey you guys should put some pants on I yell after them. I see Pluto and Goofy and I ask Goofy if he is a dog and if he is a dog why is he superior to Pluto in the fact that he walks upright and can talk. Goofy just stares at me, so I pet pluto and pogo stick further into the house. I have to get off the pogo stick because Baloo is heading towards me playing with his skip-it and listening to his walkman. Wide load he yells as he crashes forward. Denver the last dinosuar and his homies are giving urkel a wedgie while Uncle Carl just watches. Isn't that your friend I say, Uncle Carl just shakes his head, I can tell he is enjoying it. Thank goodness it's friday I say to him and he shoots me a dirty look. Fine I tell him holding up my hands as if to say I'm backing away slowly. Uncle Carl is an officer of the law and carries a firearm. Beaker and Bunson shuffle by me and I realize that there are a lot of gay couples in this house, Bert and Ernie live on the 4th floor, He-man and saget, these two, and Milo and Otis. I am also guessing two out of the three men and a baby are leaning in that direction, probably Guttenberg and Danson. The Brave Little Toaster skips in front of me talking to the velveteen rabbit and cordouroy the bear. They are discussing the enormous size of Clifford the red dog's shits and how Archie and Jughead asked them if they wanted to do some lines. I check my watch and realize the day is almost done. I head for the door and look back at the memories that have drained my account, the purchase of the present not possible. This place crowded with what was leaving no room for now or the future. I might have to put this place on the market, I sigh deeply saddened by the thought. But even Peter Pan moved out a couple years ago. I guess I'll have to decide when the lease is up...
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