The Rules

"You are like a crazy person calm down sir." I probably shouldn't have said crazy person, the customer being right and all but, I mean come on, he was a crazy person. or at least in my personal opinion he was displaying signs of being crazy.
"What did you just say? Did you just call me crazy? Where is your manager buddy?" He was red in the face, veins popping out of his neck, I was surprised that his glasses had not fogged up.
"The manager is off today sir, I am the assistant manager so I can take care of anything you need." I smiled that wide smile that was in the orientation video. The one that the salesperson does right after rule number one, "Always smile." It was one of our foundations of excellent customer service, I just had my teeth whitened the week before, so i really let him have it. A really big cheese showing that I was willing to be of assistance and that I would treat him like my own grandmother. That was rule number six, "Treat every customer like your grandma." Although my grandma is sort of hard of hearing so I kind of yell when I talk to her. She also has a dribbling problem, but I figured that I would not be feeding him oatmeal, so i wouldn't have to worry about that. I mean it wasn't meant to be interpreted literally. That's what Todd told me after customers complained that I had been speaking too loudly.
"Why are you smiling like that? Wipe that shit eating grin off your face, and take care of this." He was really mean I thought. Shit eating? What was that supposed to mean, I knew for a fact my teeth were a pristine white. At worst a mother of pearl but in no way were they brown, like I had been eating poop.
"Sir I have in no way been eating shit, and my grin was not mean to imply that I had, I am sorry that you have been offended by my smile, but it is one of our foundations of excellent customer service." I said as professionally as I could. I could not believe that he had insinuated such horrible things. I could see fire flashing beneath his eyes, a searing stare of hatred.
"This is not excellent customer service, and your smile seems to be patronizing me and you still are not fixing the problem." I didn't know how patriotic my smile had been but I did know that I loved America. If he did not love America then that was his problem.
"I am sorry that you did not like my smile sir, now what exactly was the problem again?" I probably should have remembered what it was, but I had gotten distracted by his accusations of eating shit and thinking about wiping oatmeal off of my grandma's chin.
"What the fuck!!! I have been telling you for the last five minutes what the problem is, how fucking dumb are you?" He was quite the meanie I said to myself. I may not be the smartest apple in the orchard but at least I was pleasant.
"I apologize sir, but I seem to have forgotten, please tell me what the problem is and how I may be of some assistance." I thought this sounded very official and business like. I was proud of myself, keeping my cucumber cool in the face of such a fiery meanie.
"Are you fucking serious? Ok obviously you are dumb as shit, your company is dumb as shit.."
"Excuse me sir but could you refrain from cursing, as a courtesy to those around you." I said politley whispering as I covered the side of my mouth and leaned towards him.
"What?? Look around jackass, it's just me and you in here, seriously I think you are the dumbest person that I have ever met, how the fuck are you the assistant manager?" A piece of spittle hit me on the forehead but i did not wipe it away so as not to seem rude. I only smiled at him maintaing my professional appearance. That is another rule but I can't remember what number. "Always appear professional," This is why my nails are always cut and my tie is always straight.
"Sir I have become the assistant manager through hardwork and perserverance." I smiled after saying this, saying to him, I have worked hard for this position and Todd thought that I was ready to be in charge.
"So basically everyone else quit and you kept showing up everyday? Right? How the fuck else could you be in charge, your company has lost it's fucking mind putting a retard like you in charge."
"Sir I am not mentally disabled, I am a courteous and reliable worker, now how may I help you?" I had read in the corporate maunal taht teh best way to diffuse a conforntation was to be nice to the agressor. Todd always said kill them with kindness. So that's what i tried to do, i tried to chop his legs off with my kindness, to hold his head underwater with my bright and cheery disposition. It wasn't really working today though. Maybe my kindness was to mean today, or my smile could not crack his meanie face and his angry eyes.
"No I would definitley say that you are borderline retarted, I almost feel sorry for you." This made me think that I was getting through. He empathized with me, he saw me as his equal. Maybe we were headed in the right direction.
"No need to feel sorry for me sir, I am very happy in my present situation." I turned my smile back on hoping that we could move forward towards sunshine and peanut butter cookies.
"Wow....no seriously..wow" I could see that I had amazed him with my professional attitude and my ability to strictly follow the corporate mandates. I felt as though I was winning him over.
"Ok listen up jackass, ok just stop smiling like that, seriously, stop it, look i reserved a car for tuesday the 12th at 5:00, now today is tuesday the 12th and it's now 5:15, so WHERE THE FUCK IS MY CAR!!!!" He really turned the volume up at the end. I said to myself I am not my grandma, i have no trouble hearing.
"Well sir if you had a reservation at 5:00 why are you 15 minutes late?" I folded my hands and looked at him, wondering how he could blame us for him being 15 minutes late.
"You fucking douchebag, I have been here since 5:00 talking to you, jesus christ you are the hardest person not to hit, you know that? I want to hit you so badly, but that would be like hitting a retard, and i don't hit retards, you keep fucking with me and i might change my policy."
"I see sir, so you were here at 5:00, ok let me check the computer and see if we have anything available." I turned my back to check the computer but he interupted me.
"You already checked and you said you had nothing available, now how can you reserve a car and then it is not available, that just doesn't make sense." I had forgotten that I had already checked so I thanked him for reminding me, he rolled his eyes and then asked, "So, what's the deal Einstein, you going to get me a fucking car or what?" I didn't know who Einstein was so I just nodded before saying.
"Well sir sometimes cars are over booked or a car is not returned on time, if you would like I can give you a form that you can then submit to reserve a car for later today." I reached for form number 906A and grabbed a pen so that he could fill it out. I held both out to him but he just stared back at me.
"Why the fuck would I reserve another car from you when you don't even have the first car that i reserved, cut the fucking red tape and get me a car yesterday!!!"
"Sir we do not have any cars to give at this time, maybe if you truly had reserved this car yesterday then we would have had one available."
"You know what I am going to get you fired, you are the worst person I have ever dealt with anywhere, I will be calling your corproate headquarters and you will be fired, it should be ilegal to have someone as dumb as you talking to people. You should be locked up in a closet and as far away from the customers as possible, I have never, i repeat never wanted to punch someone as badly as i would like to punch you. I will never rent from you again. Fuck you, Fuck your company, and you can take that form and that pen and shove them up your ass, you fucking moron!!!!" With that he stormed towards the the door as i called out after him.
"Thank you for choosing Baron Rentals, I hope that we provided the service that you needed and please stop by and see us again." I don't know if heard the last part becaude he had already slammed the door. It is required to say that though whenever concluding an exchange with a customer, i think that is is in the employee handbook. It is right after the part about keeping the breakroom clean and before the part about sexual harrassment. I was satisfied that I had done a good job, in helping him, another satisfied customer, i had done everything according to teh manual and that is how I have come so far and been so successful in this customer service field. I couldn't wait for odd to get back so i could tell him how well I had done in working the foundations of our manual into a real world situation. I smiled to myself as i leaned forward on the palms of my hands and whistled to myself, waiting for the next person that i would help. My smile was ready for them to walk through the door, i kept it wide and toothy, ready to kill them with my kindness.