My Mind on my Mind

My mind is like a sputtering motor, it spits exhaust at sporadic intervals, slowly humming and churning but remaing imobile. It needs a kick start, a pull start, some kind of start. Put the foot on the accelerator or your hands on the throttle, I need to make it purr chug along on the road to that place. Instead it idles, it spins its wheels, ruts, mud, gerbil wheels spinning endlessly. The perpetual cycle shimmy's its way across my body, I grab the corners and snuggle up tighter, suffocating in it's warmth encased in its availability. Wake up and there it is, the river of routine, I don't even need a paddle, the currents guide me, I am barely a participant in this life, an empty vessel stuck on the merry-go-round, I can't hear the music, the children laugh and I want to jump off and run away. But these walls that surround this circular trail, are resistant to my stares, I need a pick axe, the will to drive it forward, chip out of this cell, burrow away, coal to feed this flickering flame inside, destined for something, wondering when I will leave the waiting room for my life. The treadmill says it's been 9 months but I am still in the same spot, wrapped in small dreams, staring into fading pictures, withering forests, waiting....