New Year's Resolution

I came up with a New Year's Resolution the other night. It came about while I was just having a discussion about a hypothetical double murder involving a clown and an unborn child. Sooo hypothetically speaking say that I knocked up a clown. An unattractive clown, a borderline carny with bad feet and a couple extra pounds. One that I can't look at without feeling disgusted, yet still slept with. Say that such a crazy thing would happen. Say that maybe the only thing that she had going for her was the fact that she was a clown and I had clown at the top of my "Things To Do List." This clown is crazy, dirty, not attractive, just not the kind of person that you want to be locked down to for the rest of your life. I don't want to have to tell the young child, " I hate your stupid clown mother and her stupid clown face. Her damn honking nose and rainbow wigs strewn across the bedroom floor, she makes me sick Timmy!!! Sick!!!" Timmy would say some shit like, "Then why would you bang her you fucking weirdo?" I would mutter some stuff under my breath, curse my "Things To Do List" and say, "Get your shit ready Timmy I am sure your mom and her 45 friends will pull up in their car soon, you don't want to miss the freakshow they are going to be putting on at the bowling alley later." I am sure Timmy would hop up and click his clown shoes together, then start collecting his balloon animal materials and ask if I want to see an illusion. I would just roll my eyes, maybe flip him off, who knows how to react to a half clown seedling? Not me, that's for sure. So, faced with this hypothetical situation what is one to do? There is no way I am living that life my friend, no clown baby or visitation rights for me. I want the masked freaks as far away as possible...while I feel that way now that I crossed that off my list. Ohhh here come the looks, don't act like you don't have a list and that clown was not on there right above Cloris Leachman. Oh? I am the only one? Well I guess I won't tell you what else was on the list. Just don't judge me sister. The not judging thing is also a sort of side resolution. I can no longer cast judgement on anyone because I slept with a dirty clown....Hypothetically speaking of course. So yeah you want to sleep with Serbian midgets who wear bear skin caps and harpoon retarded blind whales on the weekend? Be my guest friend, do what you want, hey it's a free world, I will not judge. I gave that right up with my poor judgement. You could literally slap a senior citizen smear a herpes infected diaper on a nun's face, spraypaint a swatizka on a baby labrador and all I could say to you is do your thing buddy, if that's what you feel like doing, I will not judge. It's kind of like how I can't criticize anyone's driving ability because of a recent driving mishap involving two parked cars. That's another story though, let me just add if you can get your car to move forward or park without hitting anything, you are a damn fine driver in my eyes. Every time I park without hitting something it's a good day now. I shout mission accomplished and spike my keys on the ground when I get outside the car. Back to the situation at hand. I figured there were two ways to escape this, suicide or murder, hypothetically speaking of course. I came to the conclusion I like my life fine without the clown and the clown seedling in it, so if they were gone that would be the best scenario. I got into this whole thing about the ensuing Dateline case. The Clown Killer, this Thursday on Dateline. Hopefully my story is told by Keith Morrison. The dude is fucking awesome, creepy, and has the best phrasing ever. "It was a twisted tale...the kind of tale that makes your skin crawl, a tale of disgust, clown banging, an expectant clown mother.....and murder....or was it? It all started in an idyllic scene of young love...or so it seemed." God damn I love that creeper...or do I? Yeah I seriously do..or do..ok sorry. Are you wondering what my new year's resolution was? Did you remember that's how this all began, it's ok I forgot too...or..did..must stop Keith impersonations. So, me and a friend got to talking, yes I do have these types of conversations with other people...sometimes, when I can get someone to settle down and enjoy the surprise tea party I went to great lengths to set up in this alley that I "invited" them down. We got to talking about how the friends, neighbors, and coworkers of the accused get a little camera time to give some insight into the character of the suspect. Usually it is something like (neighbor standing on their driveway) "He was quiet, but friendly, I would have never suspected that he could do such a thing. That's how it usually goes. What I came to realize is, my character interviews would not go as smoothly. People would say, "Oh jesus christ that dude was a freak. I knew something was wrong with that crazy bastard." "He used to just come into work and just glare at us, always fiddling with a clump of rainbow hair and muttering under his breath, I think I heard him say honk, honk, and then whisper I'll show u an illusion clown!!" "Yeah that guy could totally have done that." It was running through this scenario that I realized I needed to make some changes in my life. Most people have resolutions like lose weight, quit smoking, stop stealing your neighbor's tires for your swing in the backyard, you know normal stuff. I realized I need a drastic change and a complete reworking of my life. My new Years resolution is......that if and when I am a suspect in a hypothetical clown double murder, people will not say they expected that I could be responsible for it. Simple enough..or is it? I actually have no clue about how to go about this change. Should I actively embrace clown culture, cover my cubicle walls in clown paraphenallia? Make them think I love them so much there is no way I could rob the world of one? Act normal and kind to everyone I see hiding any hypothetical muderous intent? Stop doing that thing where you lunge at people and act like you are going to punch them at the copy machine? Look, all I know is that along with setting up a good backstory to diffuse any legal battles, diminish intent, create good character witnesses, this could improve my overall well being. There will probably be a lot less coffee spilled on the carpet if I stop lunging at coworkers too. This is a win-win, it may even be the start of something bigger. A religion? Teaching others ways to live their life so that people would never expect you to be capable of killing a clown. Only good can come from this, let's set this year off right. Everything will be awesome this year....or so it seems.