Blind dates

So, blind dates huh? What the hell is happening here? I haven't been on a date in a long while. Followers of my writing will know it is because I was serving time in Arkansas for public indecency and two additional charges of assault with a pelvic thrust. I had no idea there was a legal code for that offense but you learn something every time you are arrested. So if you are ever in Arkansas and hear a police officer say, "We have a code 258C. Request immediate back up and some rubber gloves." You should immediately drop everything you are doing and follow that officer, because if you are like me, your hips don't lie....or something. Not being in the game for that long stretch of time has made me question if things are still the same as they were before. Do girls still automatically leave when you launch into sonnets about your love for amputees or your insatiable desire to roll anything and everyone in a mixture of cornflakes and maple syrup? (everything and I mean everything is better this way, trust me) Do girls still like it when you kick their chair and run away? Smack the back of their head and throw crayons at them? I have so many great ideas on how the execution of this date will go, I just have to wait to get the permits for the wild game birds cleared and we should be good to go. Here are a couple of scenarios: This one includes the magical and sexy art of balloon animals. Me- (Balloons in hand) "Now tell me what your favorite animal is and I shall make it in balloon form. Thus cementing our future together as one." Scared date- "umm..." Me- "Sooo what is your favorite animal?" Scared Date- "Umm..." Me- "Please say sword." Scenario 2 This one involves a three act play, several costume changes and 2 live vultures. Act one- Secure all the exits while frolicking around menacingly to the soundtrack of footloose. (costume change, exit stage right, reappear stage left in puff of smoke, but now dressed as a preacher) Act two- Pelvic thrusts and choreographed dance routine to Rod Stewart's "Maggie May." "If you think I'm sexy" makes to much sense, and we want to show that we are avantegarde so "Maggie May" it is. Plus "Maggie May" goes well with both pelvic thrusts and rhythmic gymnastics ribbons. And there will be fluttering ribbons, oh yes, there will be beautifully fluttering pretty sparkley ribbons.....and pelvic thrusts...lots of em....so many you could be charged for assault with a pelvic thrust...but it's worth it. (costume change, exit stage right, reappear suspended above the stage in a mermaid outfit, get yelled at by the restaurant for tying cables to their ceiling fans and for endangering other patrons by swinging above their heads in a mermaid costume, climb down, try and explain your art, realize you are missing a vulture and panic, shout vulture's name while looking under people's tables, emerge from table to discover the date has fled, exit stage right and cry) Act three- Lay on ground mumbling the words to, "Endless Love." Reach out and try and grab the hand of the bus boys as they step around and over you clearing tables. "My endlessssssss love..." (curtain drops, since there is no curtain jump to feet yell "Tah Daaaaah" and then run out the building before they make you pay for anything.) These are just rough outlines, I haven't decided which one to go for, I am sure when it's time for the show it will end up very differently.