I just want to Dance Daddy

People say I should be a writer. I was just making fun of dancers because it is a pretty hard thing to become successful at and the stability is less than ideal. They dance because, well they just have to dance, it's in them, it is who they are. When they are little they look at their parents and they say,

"Daddy, I just wanna dance."
Then their dad looks at them, shakes his head and says something like,
"Have you thought about going into municipal bonds, how about the tech field, they have great stock options and benefits."

You know why the dad says something like that? One reason is, he is logical, he thinks about the end result of his child trying to make it as a dancer, and he knows that the kid has a very small chance of succeeding at this dream So he says,

"Let's think about this, aren't there some more stable options we can think of Jimmy?"
"No daddy, I just want to dance!!!"
"Hmm well I don't know if that is the wisest decision son, perhaps you should get a college degree first."

We know what Jimmy's answer to this is. Writing is the same thing. Writers have to write. Despite the logical conclusion that they will end up penniless, unread, and depressed. Actually, most start out depressed anyway. Depressed, and in most cases a touch crazy, somehow that tends to help the creative process. This is why I could not be a writer. Not because I am not crazy and depressed, because trust me I have that part down. The reason is I don't have the need to write. This in addition to the fact that what I write is not good. Maybe that would be the main problem. But I don't have the need to be prolific with my writing, I don't have the fire or in other words dat fiyah. I haven't written anything creative in a very long time. I have never written anything good. My friends say it's good, but that's like your mom telling you, you are cool. It's sweet, but don't believe that shit, you aren't cool kid. What are they going to tell me? Step away from the keyboard? No they would just not say anything and that's what the majority of them do. Well most don't read it, but that in itself is saying something. That something is, that my friends are illiterate. Ok maybe they aren't, maybe they just have good taste.

I got 4th place in an essay contest in 3rd grade, honorable mention, that was the highlight of my literary career. I know there is an old entry on here about this same subject, about how I tell don't show, my imagery is flowery and incomprehensible, my skirt is too short and my beat count is off by half a step. I don't infer anything I just straight up lay it on the table, you don't think, well maybe that character is feeling this way because of this and I can tell because of the way he held his coffee cup. No, my character will say,

"Boy I feel like shit because of these inner demons that cause so much turmoil inside of me, and my wife is having an affair, I can't even hold my coffee steady, look at it, it's shaking, trembling because of my inner demons and my struggle with the child abuse I suffered as a rodeo clown in Des Moine, did you hear me when I talked about the inner demon part? Ok good."

You know what writers also do? They craft shit. Like word by word. You know what I do? I just slap the keyboard to make it look I am typing and I call it an abstract expressionist novella. Ok, what I actually do is just let it flow. I don't carefully craft sentences, choosing correct words to carry one point to the other. I just write, for fun, for expression, to take my mind off of other things. I would never expect anyone to want to pay for the stuff that comes from these fingers.

Kind of related, kind of brought up in an earlier entry. Kind of clearly shown in this entry and that would be the defeatist aspect of my personality. I do defeat myself a lot. Probably because I am afraid of failure. If you don't try you can't fail right? When I was little I was in a tennis match. My opponent started to win, so I started fucking around, basically throwing the match. My coach was not happy and he said the following..

"You only did that because you were afraid of losing, so you made it look like you gave up and didn't care and that you beat yourself. Because you were too afraid to try and win and have the possibility of really losing."

He was right and I don't think much has changed since then. Wow, that's pretty fucking sad, since that was probably more than ten years ago. I am my own Dad, you know the one who told Jimmy to go to college. That's what I do to myself. Stability son, that's what it's all about, none of this risk taking writing business. Ok, so the tone kind of shifted on this piece and I feel like if I am going to change I should risk failure more often. this was my old ending, "Because seriously it is like trying to become a dancer. Except even out of shape people think they can write, and their friends are egging them on. So I feel like this is my arena. Random ramblings for free, no deadlines..." I kind of ran myself into a corner on this. I guess I should start researching writing more, not really sure what kind I would do, but yeah, I guess I should at least try and risk failure. Is there like a reader's digest for insane rambly mediocre writers?