Expiration Dates

I was thinking about this the other day, everything has an expiration date right? Well except maybe a perpetual motion machine, or a twinkie, those bitches are good 4-evaaa. *Eats cold war twinkie* Mmmmm still as bad as the first day it was birthed from the twinkie monster. I would also add New Kids On The Block albums to the list, those are timeless, there is no expiration date on awesome.

But I was thinking more along the lines of a relationship expiration date. I heard from someone that there was a scientific study done that showed lust levels, or levels of endorphins, were raised as a result of pheromones in coupling people for an average of two years. So that, awww he makes my heart melt, pitter patter, ice cream and puppy dogs shit? Yeah that's science, those are hormonal reactions, kind of like bitchiness and aspergers. Ok, one of those is not related to hormones, you guess which one. Now, not knowing if this report even exists, who did the study and why Adam Lambert didn't win American Idol, let's take it at face value. Let's look at real life people, let's watch episodes of the Hills and see if we can substantiate this. What? That's scripted?...How dare they...I cared, I really cared, and to think it was all for naught, you will get no more of my tears you blonde girl in big sunglasses.

Seriously I see truth in this possible made up report, two years does seem to be the tipping point to a lot of relationships. For two years I watched every Macguyver show with unadulterated lust, lust for inventions, innovations, mullets, men with three names, men like Richard Dean Anderson. After two years I moved on, to a paunchy butler and his merry band of misfits who replaced a certain mulleted young stallion. You are no Bob Uecker I would say when Rich called me, I have lost that lusting feeling and it's gone..gone...gone..whoa whoaaa. He would usually respond with I didn't call you, you called me, and then end it with I am changing my number again. But those are merely footnotes in the story of our love and the references are uncited so I edit that part out. Hasn't anyone ever sat you down and said, "Shit's not real till you hit that two year mark playa." Not necessarily in that venacular or maybe not at all, but I am just saying I have seen shit crash after the two year mark repeatedly. It's science, people you don't need to understand it you just have to believe, oh wait...that's faith, nevermind. So perhaps two years is too concrete, but I feel like every relationship has an expiration date, nothing lasts forever.

That may sound defeatist and depressing, but it's reality. Not only in a space time continuum we will all perish like the dust of the universe into a black abyss kind of way but in a man I am kind of tired of you, please get out of my bed kind of way as well. It's just that after awhile you run out of things to talk about, you know that person, their stories, their jokes. I don't know when I stopped being funny to the ex, but I know that I didn't elicit the same kind of laughter I did when we first met. It's like when your Uncle is all, I got your nose!! And you respond by stabbing him in the knee with a fork and demanding the return of said nose or you will break a finger for each minute that passes until said nose is delivered to a mutually agreed location. Funny the first time, not so much after that. That's why you have to draw things out. You don't just unload all of the goodies in the beginning, I don't even tell girls my real name until we are married.

"Why does the wedding invitation say Jerome and Carrie, did you do this Mark or did the printer mess up?"
"Suuurprise!!! I also don't have a job and have been sitting in the park and begging for change while you thought I was at work. Ha, like MIT would really hire me to run their Latin department, I don't even know if they have a Latin department and I can't even read!!!....where you going? Too much?"

See hold back, it makes things easier and it stalls the eventual expiration date. By reinventing yourself every week, maybe you can keep those lust levels up. Is the same joke in a different accent a new joke? I like to think so, but I also like to think the Colonel is Asian and that we don't die we get high and multiply.

Those were just discussions on serious relationships though, now what is the expiration date on people finding out that they don't even want a serious relationship with you? How long can you fool someone or how long does it take for people to realize they don't like you? Since I am so in yo face people usually know where they stand with me in a matter of seconds. Don't like being covered in paper mache and cast as goat number 4 in a moonlight sonata directed by yours truly? Then move a long little lady, don't agree that "Weekend at Bernie's" is both hilarious and a poignant commentary on post colonial India and the problems with capitalist wealth distribution and trickle down economics? Get to steppin, and not the steppin as in dancing, steppin as in walking away, but actually if you could step that may increase your chances of me being interested in you. If you can say Homo Erectus without giggling? Yous gotsta go. Having passed all of those tests still doesn't guarantee how long your expiration date is extended though.

I know that my star fades with time, after I lose interest in entertaining you and winning you over, I become a different person, hence the name change to Jerome, the illiteracy and lack of job. I reveal my true colors and they start shining through. The jokes just stop registering on the laugh-o-meter, which at first I thought was some kind of electrical error, but then I played it an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond and it didn't respond to that either, so it must be working. The easy part is fooling someone in the beginning, the hard part is maintaining. Maintaining is always the hard part whether we are talking about clean houses, attendance records or sobriety. Look at me I started being sober 3 minutes ago, now the maintenance and duration is the real issue.

Maybe people learn this as they get older, I am sure there are some happily married people, but the vast majority? Not so much. Most look at their significant other and are thinking you have lost that new car smell, now you smell like the 1984 camry that you are. I think the happiest couples are the ones who are mutually defeated. The ones who are afraid that they won't find anyone else so they settle. That sounds harsher than I mean it to. It just seems more realistic, to admit that they will never find that one fantasy person and that what you have is the best you will get. Then you can really dedicate yourselves to each other. Noone has one foot out the door because they are afraid to. Truthfully there is always something better and there is always something worse. So you have to find a happy medium and then fake a pregnancy so you can lock them up. My girlfriend has been pregnant for 10 years, that's a long gestation period, but she assures me it will come when the seven moons align and the righteous reign supreme in their rightful place. Now I am not saying just grab any hobo off the street and settle obviously let them fool you for a couple of years and let that lust sauce ooze into your cerebellum, you have to think you are in love with them, perhaps actually be in love with them. I am just saying when that starts to fade, let's not be so quick to jump the gun, unless it's in the hands of a hobo you just randomly picked up then definitely jump at it and try and wrestle it away.

I just think realizing you are right for each other has a lot to do with not wanting to find out if you are right for other people, maybe that's just me, but I feel a certain amount of settling is a natural and logical thing to do. Because the lust sauce will stop oozing and then it comes down to can I look at this person everyday for the rest of my life and not want to spoon their eyes out and use them as cherries atop my sundae, you may have different thoughts, adjust accordingly. There is always someone new, more exciting, more lusty out there. You just have to really commit to that one person you are with, know that the shared history you have and the genuine love you feel for them will be enough to carry you through, the love not lust is what you are left with. The concept of lovey dovey floating on clouds just fades, you hear people talk about stoking the fire, whacking the bush, incubating the marmot, and that's really what you need to do but you also have to realize that it will not be an endless parade of fantastical pink clouds and confetti. It's scientifically proven, by some report, I didn't bother to even try and look up.

This ended up being way more defeatist than I meant it to be hopefully you can piece together the small tidbits of what I was trying to say and construct them into a totally logical and acceptable discussion. Let me try and summarize in other words regurgitate what I have just written. I am not saying settle, I kind of am, I am not saying all relationships are doomed to failure. The expiration date thing could be when one of you dies, haha, yeah I just laughed at the death of your significant other, hey I have to get it in now, it would seem cruel to do it when it actually happened. What I'm saying is accept reality, obviously you know if the person is right for you, don't ignore that, but also don't keep looking for something better when things lose that shine. Try and work through the rough patches, don't be a rock jumper, jumping from rock to rock, because pretty soon you will be out of rocks and all alone... or something like that. How about you just read High Fidelity?